I Am My Father's Daughter

My earthly father is a difficult man to please. His standard is perfection. So is my heavenly Father's. But there is a difference between them.

Growing up I would come home with report cards that had an A- in a sea of A's and my father would look at that A- and tell me I should do better, because the kid next door brought home all A's. Eventually, I stopped caring about the A's and just cruised in school. It was a clear message, among many, to my father that I didn't really care about what he wanted ... or maybe it was a plea for attention? Anyway, psychobabblle aside, bottom line was I stopped trying to live up to his standard.

When my brother was born, my relationship with my father deteriorated because he finally had his "Junior". After all, six years of having a "Daddy's little girl" wasn't quite cutting it. It only got progressively worst from there and when I got involved with a man he didn't approve of, what tenuous relations I had with him completely disappeared.

When my first marriage started failing, I confided and sought comfort and solace only from my mom. I did not dare talk to my father or seek his advise. In my mind, I was his living disappointment and I wasn't going to give him another reason to reinforce that. His "blessings" for the divorce came through my mom, only because my mom told him every sordid detail that she knew about my ex-husband. By the time the divorce became final the man I had called "Daddy" throughout my life had become "my father" to convey to him that he no longer was a part of my life. He had become a figurehead of the family I belonged to, whose counsel I didn't care for and whose love I can do without.

In the fall of 2000, I opened my heart to Jesus Christ and I was slowly introduced to our heavenly Father and all that He is capable of. As my relationship with God grew I came face to face with the relationship, or lack thereof, that I had with my earthly father and I knew without a doubt that the healing had begun.

The restoration of my relationship with my earthly father is a slow process. My Dad and I started having short, civil conversations instead of screaming matches. I stopped systematically rolling my eyes at the sound of his voice. I also realized that as difficult as my Dad is, he has remained faithful to my Mom through 43 years of marriage and despite the approach he took in all of our lives, he only had the best of intentions for all of us.

The more I experience grace, mercy, kindness, love and compassion in my relationship with our heavenly Father, the more my heart opened towards my Dad. Eventually, I came to a place where I could ask for the very same things from my dad as well as the ability to give him grace, mercy, kindness and compassion. There too was the revelation that I do not hate my dad, on the contrary, I love my dad very much.

Father's Day pasts were filled with anxieties and ran the gamut of emotions from "exercise in futility to "why do I even bother." This time around, I'm praying for a better outcome. With Father's Day 2007 approaching, I found myself reflecting on where I currently stand with my Dad and I can only praise God for slowly healing my heart and opening opportunities for my Dad and I to heal past hurts.

It's not an easy road to walk because my Dad remains a difficult man. There are days when we revert to what we used to be, but, just like in my relationship with my heavenly Father, now there is reconciliation as well. And every day that I bask in God's grace, God adds a new layer of respect, grace, mercy, love and peace between me and my earthly father.