An Epiphany

A few months ago, I was expressing some dissatisfaction with my church. I went as far as telling my husband that I was ready to move on. I had begun the process of "church-shopping". I was looking at another building where I can sit in the pew, plug my spiritual umbilical cord to whoever happened to be teaching that day and most importantly live my "Christian" faith in anonymity and seclusion, just me and God.

My dissatisfaction stemmed from a number of things. Primarily it was the nagging feeling that I no longer "belonged" to this congregation. I've outlived my purpose, and as one of my Pastors succinctly described, I've been "shelved."

I was also becoming increasingly aware of the differences in perspective among several members and leaders in my church and I was at a crossroads. I looked to my Pastors and took note of their perspectives. I then looked to my mentor and discipler and took note of his and the differences bothered me. Mind you there were no heretical thoughts or impulses in either party, mostly it was an exchange of thoughts and ideologies where most fell in the "yes... but" category. All amicable, all done in love and yet again, why the differences? If we're all loved by and are all followers of the one true God why the differences?

Then, I had an epiphany. My epiphany was so unexpected and so profound that in the middle of worship, one Sunday morning, tears started welling up. I love my church! Not the sanctuary, not the fellowship hall, not the baptismal "pool", not the grounds, but the people who make up my church. The people who, except for a handful, I sit with every Sunday and spend a few passing hours with. Whose lives, for the most part, I know nothing about. Differences or whatever else be damned.

I'm not going to lie, there are days that I still struggle with the things that I perceive as "different". As recently as last week, I had another bout with wanting to leave my church. One of my Pastors gave me a different perspective and when I look at it from that angle, it makes perfect sense, but only from that particular angle. There are days that I want to abandon the ship altogether and the same Pastor asked me where I was going to go and I couldn't come up with an answer that makes sense because everything comes back to the one Holy God.

My husband calls it a season of the soul. I call it my fallen, sinful nature and through the worst of it, I can only cling to God's grace, love and mercy to get me through. And God does - get me through.

Through all the muddled, boo-hoo-hooing that I was experiencing, God reached out and gave me a renewed purpose. Instead of running away, God has placed this group of people in the forefront of my life so I can help and serve and build up my church. Instead of focusing on the imperfections, God has allowed me to see the love when my church rallied to the side of a man convicted of a crime he didn't commit. Instead of whining about what my church wasn't doing, God provided me with an opportunity to minister to those who are hurting. God gave me a precious gift in my ward and my small group.

And now I pray that instead of feeling left out and shelved, God will open doors and bring me to those who need my help. After all, in everything that I do, I do for His greater glory. For only from Him do I get the strength and only from Him comes the ability and the source of my epiphany.